The Quiet of Night

They say a major growth spurt happens at 6 weeks, when newborns want to eat every couple hours, sleep is hard to come by, and fussiness takes over. We think we've been going through this now for 2 days. They say the 6 week growth spurt lasts 2-3 days. We're hopeful tonight brings better sleep for everyone involved.

I've always been a night person, but this maternity leave has seriously reminded me of just how much I love the nighttime. I love to be awake at night, in the calm hours before bed, to spend time with family and friends, winding down, reading, writing, thinking. I can also be extremely productive at night! It's a good time to do the dishes, pay the bills, write my next blog post. Almost all of my blog entries happen while laying in bed at night. That's when my mind wanders and I really think about things.

However, with Kennedy's growth spurt, I've found myself a little less in love with the night, and more just trying to get through it. Last night we were up at least 5 times, feeding a little, and struggling to fall back to sleep. Some nights go so well! And others require a LOT of patience.

However last night, during one of our awake times, I kept the lights off in the room to keep her in that groggy-tired state, fed her calmly, rocked her and spoke to her softly, enjoying that quietness once again. She drifted back to sleep quickly and I was able to lay her peacefully back in her crib. I will cherish moments like those with her, even though we aren't sleeping much. When she's older, I know I will look back at this and not care that I was tired, and only remember how good it felt to feed and rock my baby back to sleep in the quiet darkness, knowing that was something that only she and I would share.

Crazy hair in the crib!

Just Slow Down...

Today I spent about 4 hours watching Boy Meets World. Oh, how a few hours with Cory and Topanga can really bring a person back down memory lane. Kennedy was in and out of sleep, enjoying some tummy time, and just chilling through much of the day. It was so rainy that we couldn't go for a walk.

I was thinking a bit about what I might be doing on a day like today before Kennedy. It's sort of strange to thing about. It feels like forever ago. I probably would have slept in late, gone out to lunch and done something for myself - such as getting a facial or going shopping. Maybe the mall, TJ Maxx, DSW, Target. Probably Panera. I know one thing - I would have felt restless laying on the couch watching Boy Meets World all day. But that's one benefit to being a new mom: I get to enjoy a bit slower pace for awhile (especially until she walks!) and focus on the little things.

During her alert times, we read 2 books: Barnyard Dance and Dr. Seuss' ABC book. Both are wonderful! She was so mesmerized by the pages, the colors and images on the books (I know she can't see everything clearly yet). She made these little faces like she was completely listening and understanding my words. And when the book ended, as long as she was interested, we flipped back to the beginning and read it again!

A friend told me when she had her first baby that she, being always "on the go", didn't realize how much down time there would be just sitting around with a newborn. She warned me that it might be hard. Yes, I definitely notice the difference, but it's not hard; in fact, it's a welcome change. I think back to where I was 6 months ago, literally running from one end of downtown to the other, going from work to school 2-3 nights a week, postponing bathroom breaks, shoving dinner in my mouth in my parking spot at the U. This is definitely a welcome change.

While I'm loving it, I do have to remind myself to take in the slow moments, instead of falling into boredom. Enjoy Cory and Topanga, but then turn the TV off and enjoy silence too. Close my eyes and listen to the sound of my daughter cooing. Her gurgles and *almost* giggles. Open my eyes and stare into her face, have a conversation with her as though we're just old friends catching up. Envelop her in my arms, lay her on my chest and feel her tiny hand grasp mine, her warm breath on my neck. The slow pace is dreamy, easy to fall back into, and far too often forgotten.

Kennedy at 1 month!

It's really quite hard to believe that Little Miss Kennedy is 1 month today. Where did the time go? I know I'll be saying this phrase a LOT over the next weeks, months, years. I do feel thankful, though, that I've recognized how fast it goes and have really been soaking in our time together. Like REALLY enjoying each day, making sure not to plan too many things, so we have lots of time for cuddles, kisses, spontaneity. Even a couple smiles! My friend Whitney has kept a log of her babies at each month, and I've always enjoyed reading them. I want to make sure to do this, too, since I know I'll forget things and will enjoy sharing them with her someday. Plus my friend Kristi made her these adorable onesies for her first year, so we can take her picture and see how big she's grown!

Kennedy at 1 month:

• Weighs about 9.5 lbs (75th percentile) and is about 21.5" long (80th percentile)
• Has LOTS of gorgeous dark hair, though it's starting to lighten a bit
• Usually eats every 3-4 hours, but sometimes is hungry at 2 hours
• Usually sleeps soundly for 3-4 hours at night between feedings
• Fits 0-3 month and Newborn size clothes
• During alert time, LOVES to be on her tummy. She picks her head up and moves it from side to side so well. She's strong!
• Likes bath time, but doesn't like the transition out of the bath or the wet towel
• Hates transition, being switched from one person to another, changing clothes, switching from front to back, but after the transition happens is generally happy.
• Eats fast, in about 10 minutes. Creating the following problem...
• Has ZERO tolerance for gas. Is fussy after eating until the burps are gone, but otherwise is pretty content.
• Has shared a couple real smiles in response to our faces / eye contact. So sweet!
• Loves to be bounced up into the air and sometimes cries when we stop (this is hard on the triceps!) 
• Enjoys the baby massage techniques that Mommy learned at Blooma
• Likes rocking in the chair with her pacifier listening to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star at bedtime
• Likes taking walks in the Baby Bjorn or Moby wrap - sometimes we do this around the house to keep her moving!
• During alert times, needs to be entertained or easily gets bored. Is interested in focusing on basic toys, books, music, words. Then quickly gets tired.
• Sleeps probably 16-18 hours a day, a couple hours less than at birth

I can't believe all that we've done and learned this month. What an adventure, and what a sweet little peanut! I'm so excited for month 2 and what's ahead of us.

Love Notes

I've written a lot of love notes over the course of my life. Some of them I didn't send - they were just to get the words off my chest. Others went to the recipient, only to find that my love was unrequited. Every now and then, I'd share my love note and receive the same sentiment in return. !! Yes, there were a handful of boys over the years with whom I shared those giddy, excited romantic feelings with, and thoughts of those boys consumed far too much of my life from ages 15-25.

Now I've got a whole new form of love to write about. And I find myself wanting to write about it often. The idea of falling IN LOVE with your child is hard to understand when only familiar with the romantic kind, but this kind is oh so true.

Kennedy and I have been getting to know each other now - outside of pregnancy - for 3.5 weeks. During these weeks, I'm finding waves of love that take different forms. Some are protective, others are patient, compassionate, generous, maternal. And some are gushing. I've been reading about ways to bond with your baby, and some of the best ways come from the most primitive actions, things that all mammals do. Spend time sleeping closely. Stroke their hair. Hold their hands. Look into their eyes. Feed them. Clean them.

Because our 24/7 unlimited time is, well, limited, I'm trying to really take it all in. Live in the moment, breathe deeply. When she decided she was done sleeping in her crib around 7am, we spent the rest of the morning together in my bed just cuddling. Literally until Noon! Housework and bills can wait. We have this time together to bond, and who really cares about anything else at the moment?

Many people have told me I am a very laid back new mom, and that makes me happy. I think a few things have helped me be this way: Kennedy's father, who I love deeply (he keeps me calm), my ridiculously awesome support system of family and friends, and perspective on what matters right now. Time together, getting to know one another and be together. This little face. Falling in love in a whole new way, and capturing those feelings in my mind (words and pictures help with this, too). I've always been a hopeless romantic. I just hadn't equated parenting with this new super awesome kind of romance. But I'm pretty glad I've found it.

Nature vs. Nurture

Multiple times a day, Jake and I find ourselves saying, "...just like Mommy" or "...just like Daddy." We are smitten with the little things Kennedy does that remind us of one another. So far, we've come up with this list:

• Open mouth sleeper like Daddy
• Furrowed brows like Daddy
• Fears transition like Mommy
• Loves to cuddle like Mommy
• Loves car rides like Daddy (especially when he was a baby)
• Good sleeper, like BOTH Mommy and Daddy!

I know there are a million more we've noticed, but this is what comes to mind right now. Are these observations really just coincidences, or is there some truth behind the commonalities we see? It makes me wonder again - what traits are we born with, and what traits are learned? It's a million dollar question, and I find myself asking this question a lot more frequently now that I'm thinking about how to model good behavior for my daughter and how much it really matters.

I am a big believer in the environment around us helping shape who we are, but I'm also sure that it's a combination. My behavior has just never had such a huge impact on another human being, so I'm thinking more and more about this.

That's about all I have for real thoughts today - my other thoughts come in the form of pictures that are truly worth more than any words or thoughts I might write:

We love the paci!

Sleeping on Grandpa's lap

Trying the new sling

Cozy sleeper

This was Grandma's hat when she was an infant! Precious.

Yes, we are still happily in love!

Kennedy's Birth Story

**Caution: This is a birth story, and while it's not really graphic, only read it if you're comfortable. This is more for my memory than anything.**

I want to write this down before I forget anything. I've told the story so many times, but if I don't take the few minutes to do it soon, I'll start forgetting details. And those details are exactly what I want to remember when I tell my baby about her birth day in the years to come.

Friday night, I was with some of my very best friends. We were celebrating Kathy's 30th birthday at her house in St. Paul, enjoying the tradition of a celebration dinner. Asking her to share her three highs for the year, laughing over wine (root beer for me), spaghetti, and homemade chocolate kahlua cake. I had my due date doctor's appt that day, and took a long walk with my mom, hoping we wouldn't go until the date of induction, which I learned would be March 23.

All evening my tummy was contracting hard, contorting into different shapes, and she was mildly kicking. There was no longer room in there for big kicking! The contractions for the most part didn't hurt. Those damn Braxton-Hicks, making me think labor was close! My friends felt my tummy, and I felt Baby Girl nuzzling her head into my pelvis, sending me to the bathroom at least every hour. When we left, I commented that it felt like a mid-August night, and we were wearing tank tops, flip flops, and feeling the humid summery winter air. Hard to believe it was mid-March in Minnesota.

Jake and I went to bed, and I fell asleep quickly. I hadn't been able to sleep the last 3 nights, so I was exhausted. I slept really well, until 6am when a shooting back/right side pain woke me up. I immediately got out of bed, thinking it was strange that I was awakened by pain - that never happens! I started walking the loop in our house quietly, remembering that walking makes fake contractions go away, but real contractions become stronger. And they became stronger. I hopped in the shower, even blow dried my hair, thinking it would for sure happen today. I woke Jake around 7am, and said "I think we're going to the hospital today!" He smiled groggily, rubbed my back, asked how I was doing, and I timed my contractions using my iPod app for the next few minutes. They were 3 minutes apart already, but only lasting 30 seconds. This didn't fit the 5-1-1 rule, in fact it didn't really fit any rule. But they were getting stronger. At 7:15, I said to Jake, "I think we need to go to the hospital NOW." Over the next few minutes we gathered our things, and I became increasingly scared and keeled over a few times in the living room, knowing this was it. Jake would ask me something and I would look at him like a deer in headlights, not really able to process anything. I shoved a granola bar in my mouth, started crying, looked over at Callie on the couch and said, "I love you so much, I love you so much, I'll see you in a couple days, be good."

I got in the car (Jake took care of everything else), looked at him through tears and said, "I'm so scared." He said "Sweetie, it's all going to be alright," with a big smile on his face. That reassuring smile can get me through anything. I couldn't focus enough to call/text anyone, so Jake called our parents, Crystal to let her know it was almost photography time, and Trace to let him know Callie was ready to go to Camp Arlo. We got to Abbott really fast, driving through Uptown to Chicago Ave, as we had done many times before. We quickly went from the parking ramp, through the skyway to the elevator, where we ran into a Gustie acquaintance who works at Abbott. She said, "It looks like you're in labor! Good luck!" and I nodded and tried to smile bravely at her through my tear-stained eyes. We got to the labor and delivery floor, and were the first couple to arrive. (We later learned that this day - St Patrick's Day - was a BIG labor and delivery day! More than 8 couples showed up over the next hour, and others throughout the day! Must be some Irish luck.)

At 7:45am I was confirmed "in labor" - good thing, because I told them, "I'm not going home, I'll go sit in the hall if you don't think I'm ready!" Luckily I was already dilated to a 4 and 100% effaced, and progressing fairly quickly. And man, did that progress hurt. The next hour I experienced a different kind of pain than ever before. It felt like my body was breaking. I realize now that I'm not a pain person - I mean who is? Specifically, I realize I shy away from pain and associate it with bad, scary things. It would have been really hard for me to cope throughout the entire day. We ordered the epidural and since we were the first couple admitted, the anethesiologist administered it to me first. Around 9am I entered a pain free state, which made the rest of the day memorable, happy, and honestly, pretty carefree. I could feel the contractions, but only as minor cramps in my lower left abdomen. My feet were tingly (my left foot was ice cold and my right foot was HOT!) but I was completely coherent; I even wrote in my journal and put on some eye makeup! I didn't have a mirror so I used FaceTime on my MacBook to see what I was doing. :)

From 9am-2pm, things were pretty chilled out in our hospital room. Jake and I were texting updates to friends and family, Crystal was taking a few photos, but we were mainly just enjoying ourselves and making jokes. Jake fed me ice chips and scolded me when I drank the melted ice at the bottom of the cup (I wasn't allowed to have water, but if ice chips melt, isn't that okay?) We watched the baby's heart rate and my contractions on the computer screen and printouts. My nurse, Shirley, checked on me about halfway through and I had progressed to a 6.

Around 2pm, I met the OB/GYN for the day - Dr. Kasbohm. She was young, with 4 kids of her own, and very nice. My OB clinic consisted of 6 doctors, so I had a 1 in 6 chance of seeing my regular OB. However, I knew she was off that day because it was her birthday as well! What are the odds?

When Dr. Kasbohm checked me I was dilated to over a 9, and my water hadn't yet broken! She broke my water and let me know that pushing was right around the corner. Around 2:05 I started pushing - 3 times with each contraction. Shirley coached me through the first five rounds, with Jake holding one hand and Shirley the other. I couldnt get the rhythm right for the first few pushes. Of course Jake had gotten the hang of it, so I just watched his breathing, his face, and copied his every action. 

Things progressed very quickly. I remember asking Shirley, "Is the doctor going to be here in time?" It seemed that the baby might just come out on one of these pushes! Shirley reassured me that she'd make it, and of course she did by just a few minutes. Before the 6th round of pushing, Dr. Kasbohm came in, and I could tell we were close. She watched the progress, which prompted her to put on her scrubs really quickly, right in the room! We waited for the 7th round and I knew she was coming out this time. And she did! The moment was amazing - it will forever stick in my mind. She came out at the same time as a big geyser-like stream of fluid, which shocked me! She immediately wailed a healthy, strong wail. They placed her on my tummy and she continued to cry strongly for a good 15-20 minutes. She was sweet, and it was weird, and I kept saying, "This is so strange! Surreal! Unreal! I can't believe this is happening!"

I remember how she felt on my tummy. She was a solid weight (8 lb 6 oz), a bit slippery, and really warm. She had some waxy coating still on her back, but overall pretty clean. I just really vividly remember this warm skin against my skin, in the form of a new tiny human.

Dr. Kasbohm pulled out the placenta (hardly a push) and Jake cut the umbilical cord. At my request, she showed me the cord and placenta after inspecting them. They were fascinating! Talk about a great way to get over a fear of blood - go through pregnancy, labor and delivery.

I really couldn't believe it. We had a baby. I gave birth to another human being - a new life. On a summery winter day, when people everywhere were celebrating Leprechauns, Rainbows, Pots of Gold, Four-Leaf Clovers, and the Luck O' The Irish, our little girl entered the world. That was exactly 10 days ago. And since then, I've seen life's beauty in an entirely new light.

Matters of the Heart

Pinch me. No, I'm serious, I think I need to be pinched. I think I'm dreaming. My mind just cannot truly comprehend what has happened in my life over the last 5 days.

It is Thursday. Now I'm thinking back to last Thursday, when I came home from work, hot and uncomfortable, curled up on the couch with Callie to watch TV. I watched E! News, and felt sad that Grey's wasn't new, because I was all caught up on our shows - what was I going to fill the time with? I figured it'd be another night of laying around, making dinner, maybe a bath to relieve my constant discomfort. And it was.

Then Friday. Friday was THE DUE DATE. Like she should be here by now. It was also my last doctor's appointment, when I learned that my doctor would let me be pregnant for one more week before inducing - a whole week! I wasn't sure I could take it. But I was hopeful - I had been walking a lot, and the contractions were very constant, even though they didn't hurt.

Saturday morning, at 6 am I was awakened with a sharp pain in my back/side. I got up out of bed (pain does not usually do this to me!) and started walking the loop in our house. The onset of labor - I knew it. More on the birth story, the hospital, and first few days at home in subsequent posts, but for now, I am focusing on the emotional side.

My heart is actually overflowing. I cannot believe what I feel today, and the amount of love that exists in and around me. I feel lucky to be alive. I am in awe by what this world is capable of - what God, biology, humans, and all animals are capable of. It is boggling my mind to think of how life happens, begins, ends, and begins again. And our sweet little baby girl has just given me proof that this miracle really can come true.

My whole family is sleeping in the bed next to me. My amazing husband (more on him later too - I have completely fallen in love with him all over again), my adorably sweet little puppy, who first taught Jake and me about team responsibility, and now, Baby K who has shown me an entirely new side to the meaning of life. 

I am blessed. I am lucky. The stars have aligned to make something happen for us, and I could not feel more in love than I do right now.

Control Theory

Growing up, I'd hear my mom (an educator) talk about her approach to teaching, to parenting, to life. A lot of it came from this idea of Control Theory (also known as Choice Theory) by William Glasser. I didn't always pay attention to the details, and I'm sure I don't totally have the theory right, but if you visit the link you can learn a little more about it and how it might apply in your life. The #1 rule: "The only person whose behavior we can control is our own." Supporting this, the theory acknowledges that almost all behavior is chosen, and the only thing we can give another person is information. We cannot control them. They will act in their own way - so instead of trying to control the behavior of others, and the way they "make" us act and feel, focus on the control we have over how WE act and feel.

I've gotta say, the concept of Control Theory has been going through my head recently, as I'm in such a state of zero control over when this baby arrives, that I have to tell myself to choose my attitude each and every moment of the day. I'm asked a million times a day "How are you doing?" "How are you feeling?""When is she gonna come?" and my favorite: "No baby yet?" Sometimes the smile and response comes easily, while other moments I have to bite my tongue to keep a smile on my face and stay positive. I realize people who ask are just trying to share their excitement, show interest, and convey empathy. I would be sad if my current state were not being acknowledged.

This lack of control over baby's arrival is a great way to prepare me for motherhood. I'd say that not knowing is my least favorite part right now - this could go on for a few more hours, or a week or two! But the state of continual gray is not going to end when she arrives. My life is not completely on my terms anymore. Baby Girl is just showing me a glimpse into life on her terms, and while we will strive for a balance, it will not always be easy. So right now I'm thinking that I'm incredibly lucky to have learned about Control Theory from my mom, and that this little girl is gonna have a grandma who can help bring her mama back to earth when she feels like she's completely lost it.

Get excited, the next post COULD be introducing our new family member! (Or not, we just don't know. And we're learning how that can be a beautiful thing, too.)

The Baby, The Five Senses, and Patience

6 days and counting... and I really hope we don't go into overtime. This entire pregnancy I've said that I can only envision myself going early. Now with each passing day, when I wake up the next morning and think to myself, "I'm STILL pregnant," I realize that life is no longer on my terms! It's on the baby's terms. She (and biology, and fate) will determine when she is ready to join us. In the meantime, I realize how LUCKY and BLESSED I am to be surrounded by such wonderful people. People who are keeping me moving, busy, checking in, helping keep my mind from focusing on labor every waking moment. Last weekend I had breakfast with a friend who is due the same day as me (she is still pregnant too!) And a photo shoot with my friend Trace, at his house against a cool red backdrop. Here are a couple of the full term pics.

Then last night I got a text from a dear high school friend who wanted to go for a walk. "Let's get that baby moving!" she said. So today we walked around Uptown, which has made me feel even better. Now tonight, I'm going to game night with friends, which will surely help the time pass by.

I am trying my hardest to be patient, and while it's not always easy, being around people like this has made all the difference. I know how important it is to surround yourself with great people - and this has solidified yet another reason, another time in life when being around the right people has made things just feel right.

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about how much I really know this baby. How much, but actually, how little. The thought of meeting her for the first time is very surreal, and I think part of it is that I've only used one sense to know her thus far. I can feel her. From her first flutters in late September, to the punches and kicks she throws now. Jake and I were in giggles the other night and how hard her kicks were - they were frighteningly strong! Soon I will be able to add some other senses - sight, smell, and the sound of her little voice. Until then, the support of my family and friends, and the first of the five senses we share, will have to suffice.

T-Shirt Blankets

In a recent post, I had mentioned my endeavor to create a blanket out of old t-shirts. See, over the years I've saved all of these t-shirts from college intramurals, sorority banquets, concerts, and South American travels. To name a few. While getting ready for baby, I've realized I can't just keep all of these t-shirts in a dresser in the laundry room. I'm going to need that dresser to juggle our ever growing closets between seasons!

So, three good friends and I got together over four weekends this winter, cut our squares and pieced them together by sewing rows and columns and batting and backing. We each have our own memories to patch into our own t-shirt blanket. Mine consists of 30 brightly colored squares, and here it is:

I'm such a sucker for memories and nostalgia, and by working on this blanket I've been able to revisit some of the best times in my life. Of course lately, I've been a bit more nostalgic when thinking of my "past life" than usual, as I'm starting to make a huge transition and look forward into what will become a "new normal" - that is the life of being a mommy, of caring for someone and loving someone in a completely new way. And of sharing those moments with my daughter's daddy, knowing that our marriage will only be as strong as we allow ourselves to make it. We're about to embark on a crazy adventure called parenting, and while some days it is bound to feel impossible, it is SO going to be worth it.

I also have this feeling that the next 30 t-shirts that are gathered in this house will be those displaying memories that our daughter has yet to experience, and I look forward to patching together a blanket some day for her to carry her favorite memories with her always.