The Language of Love

My friend Whitney first introduced me to the Five Love Languages.  I'm not sure if you've read this book, but if you haven't, you can check it out here. (you can even take the quiz on the site to learn how you show love and like to be loved in a variety of relationships, including romantic, friendships, parent/child, etc).

I think it is insightful to consider the way we love and the way we want to receive love, as sometimes they are not the same.  Have you ever had that down day when you feel like you're off beat, and experiencing things a bit more alone than usual?  Admit it, we all have those days.  Many times I've talked to friends whose day could have been better just by feeling more connected to others, just by feeling that self worth.

What I've realized is this: it's important to make sure you're recognizing the things around you that ooze love, things you might not even notice.  These are things that are outside of your love language(s) that don't resonate with you in the same way they might with others.

Did a friend do a favor for you without even asking? Did someone tell you how great you look? Did your spouse or family member call just to say hello? Were you able to spend time with someone not doing much of anything, just enjoying one another's company?

Last week on the radio - (yes, The Dave Ryan Show) - there was a Group Therapy bit, which is a weekly session where someone calls in with an issue and then other callers weigh in on the matter.  The woman said she does not feel "in love" with her husband and that she is only 30, so she's wondering if she should leave him.  It made me think about all of the different aspects of love and while yes, you need the passionate kind, I felt like she was overly focused on what she considers romantic love during the call.  While I do not know her situation at all, I think it's important to recognize every language of love and the role they play in one's life.  I try to, and I hope you do too! When we think about all the various types of love, I think we tend to feel better about ourselves, and about the great people around us.

Table for One

I'm sitting at a small cafe in Nashville at the airport, as my flight was delayed. Yes, I'm still wearing my cowboy hat! Last night was awesome and I can't wait to tell you more. For now, its time to enjoy a new read I discovered called The Carrie Diaries, which tells the story of Carrie Bradshaw before NYC. And a coffee.

Love spending down time like this! The delay shouldn't be more than 90 minutes so I'm just going with the flow...

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2 Wolves

This one won't be long, but  I wanted to share an idea I heard not that long ago. I think it's great life perspective. If you've heard this before, you'll probably realize I don't retell it quite in the same way (for having a good memory, I get idioms wrong all the time).

Think of your life as being led by two wolves.  One wolf is good and the other is evil.  They are both pulling at you, trying to determine your future.  The big question: which wolf will win?  The answer: It completely depends on which wolf you feed. 

Do you feed the negative things in your life? Do you surround yourself with negativity, gossip, backstabbing, inauthenticity, greed, selfishness?  Or do you surpass all of these things and surround yourself with exactly what you want your life to be?  It's easy to get sucked in.  When I encounter hundreds of different people each week, it's easy to lose focus and follow the crowd.  But I'm finding that as I get older, feel comfortable with just me, that I have much less tolerance for the negative.  If you're finding yourself stuck in a rut, wallowing in your sorrows, facing a lot of negativity lately, think about the wolves. Are you doing everything you can to feed the good wolf? 

The Roles We Play

Whitney's the dreamer, the fun-loving baby of the group. Emily's the sweet and compassionate one - the teacher, extremely patient and great with children. Libby's the All-American athlete with the big heart, who goes with the flow and smiles her way through life.  (She also brings a lot of smiles to every life around her.)  Amanda had to grow up way too fast. She's the strong one, mature beyond her years, the one who moved away to leave a past behind her, the English major who thinks deeply, protects her heart, but treats those who she lets into her life like gold.

I'm not sure what that makes me.  If I had to say, I'd call myself the sentimental one, the keeper of memories and nostalgia, who keeps us organized and also expects deep conversation about things that matter.

Close friends are not all alike. I see this play out time and time again in my life, as often the people we click with most are able to bring something new and different from what we already know.  They challenge us, bring perspective, and help shape who we are.

This weekend completely reinforced all of this.  Spending time with Emily, Whitney, Libby and Amanda has always been awesome - but what I realized this weekend was how cool it is that we all come from different worlds - different ages, friend groups, personalities, and even general lifestyles, yet the great game of golf brought us together 13 years ago and since then, things have never been the same.

And here's the best realization from this weekend.  When I hang out with these girls, I find myself wanting to be more like each one of them.  I want to incorporate their best traits into who I am.  This happens with friends - as we can see Whitney growing up and successfully projecting into her career, Emily borrowing a chapter from Amanda's book of strength, and me trying to mellow out a bit and be more carefree like Libby.  I truly believe the roles we play are shaped by those around us, and if you're able to surround yourself with amazing people, I'm 99% confident life is going to be okay.

30 hours in the car plus another 52 hours in State College gave me this amazing outlook on the upcoming summer.  As my friend Crystal pointed out, yes, I am generally optimistic, but right now I feel so much positive energy and excitement about what's to come.  I'm sure subsequent entries will cover more of these thoughts in detail, but when I think about this weekend and what it meant to me, this is what I take away:

• Close friends are not all alike. Appreciate the differences; they are beyond valuable.
• As James Taylor says, "Shower the people you love with love; show them the way that you feel." We're pretty good at this, but it's great to ask yourself if you could be doing this any better.
• Be present in the moment. It's easy to get distracted by technology, obligations, buzz, gossip, swirling energy of all kinds, but TRY to be present in the situation. (Yes, with my short attention span I will be working on this one for awhile).
• Find balance in life. Don't try to cram in too much - take each day as it comes. Because of the surprise, we literally had nothing planned for the weekend, but once we arrived at Amanda's, it all fell into perfect place.
• Be the best YOU you can be. There's no better way to be.

As Whit said on the car ride home, "I think we rock."  That's because we each play our role, but borrow from one another when necessary.  We teach each other, bring out the best in each other, and as corny as it sounds, love each other for exactly WHO WE ARE.

(PS You'll hear more details about what we did on the trip, but for now we'll go with extreme reflection, and hopefully a bit of inspiration along the way.  In the meantime, if you want to see what we've already written, check out our blog about our road trip to State College, Pennsylvania that we hope to continue updating over the years.)

Easter - A Month (or more) Late

Okay, so I'm going to go there. Religion, that inevitably tough topic. Why is it that beliefs about where we come from and where we're going build tension between people in such profound ways? Jake believes that organized religion is the root of all conflict.  I believe he is onto something, but this makes me sad. I was raised a religious, spiritual person, and I grew up with it having a very obvious place in my life.  Often now I find myself thinking about the role I want religion to play in my adult life, my marriage and my family.

Every now and then, I feel this amazing burst of passion for Christianity, and more specifically the Lutheran Church. Unfortunately, sometimes things happen that make me feel less ecstatic about the Church.  This Easter was a great example of the positive feeling I have for spirituality, Christianity, being a Lutheran.  Easter often gives me this kind of energy.  

Growing up, I was more excited for Easter over any other service, mainly because of the music. A brass quartet. A processional with bells and swirling streamers.  And a couple of key songs to start and end the service. The processional was always "Jesus Christ is Risen Today", and the recessional of choice: "Now Let the Vault of Heaven Resound" - these are songs I grew up listening to at church, making me feel refreshed, springy, free, happy.  Springy, free, happy. Sometimes I say spring is my favorite (other times I say it's summer). Growing up, spring meant golf season, finishing class for the year, summer break.  Now it means planting a garden, walking to my car outside, avoiding the skyways, wearing shoes without socks. Sandals instead of Uggs. These are all freeing activities!

Pastor Dan Poffenberger (who married us) talked a lot about freedom in the Easter sermon, and I was so moved that I found myself writing down his key phrases.  First, check out these tulips (from the Chanhassen Arb) that ooze spring.

Pastor Dan's key phrases were all related to freedom. He often injects positivity that at times, is not prevalent in a church setting. His positivity and outlook on Christianity are always refreshing, rewarding and help keep me grounded in what it means to live spiritually. These were the nuggets I took from this Easter, which after 20+ years of Trinity Easter, I actually believe was one of the best. 

Easter brings a sense of renewal, of freedom.  Freedom in this sense gives us an abundance of amazing thoughts about what our lives can be -

• We are free to offer compassion when the world tells you not to. (This is HUGE for me.  I see a lack of compassion far too often, and I will continue to strive for better.)
• We are free from -isms and putting people into boxes (another huge one, as we focus on less judgment, and one of my favorite key phrases: ASSUME POSITIVE INTENT! **This concept works in almost every aspect of life.)
• We are free to feel joy, love, hope - key components to a healthy, happy life.
• We feel free to remove the stone from our hearts - seriously, stop the cynicism, the judgment, the negativity towards those who are different in big and small ways.
• Christians should have this sense of equanimity - I thought this was an interesting word choice because when I looked up the word, it's about composure, calmness, and poise. At times I think calmness, inner peace is lacking for Christians, partially because we just overthink things.  Equanimity must be where it's at.

We are free to dream. FREE to dream up the best, most amazing lives possible, to achieve everything we can think of, to be the best possible version of ourselves. Idealist? Sure I am. But would I rather be anything else? Not at all. We all have our up and down days, but it's moments like that Easter service, when Dan was reminding me of how to focus on the most fulfilling life possible, that I truly felt grounded. I do hope you are able to experience these moments of peace, freedom, rebirth, and that this spring (and summer!) send a million moments of positivity your way. :)

Family Adams (not to be confused with the Adams Family)

What a day. Yesterday we buried Grandma and Grandpa's ashes at a cemetery near my parents' house. 20 of us gathered for a short ceremony by Pastor Dan, and then Natalie and I placed roses in their grave and the family surrounded them at their final resting place.  Grandma passed on March 12, 2002 (Grandpa kept her ashes in his apartment for the last 9 years).  Grandpa passed on December 29, 2010.  It made sense to wait for the ground to melt before burying them together.  Here are a couple pics from the burial (yes that's my dad in the hat):

After the rainy, cold, dreary burial on a Minnesota May day, we returned to my parents' for a celebration of their lives.  It was actually REALLY cool.  I didn't know what to expect, but the day made me feel awesome.  See, my sister and I don't consider ourselves to come from a big family, as over the last few years it has been just a few of us.  We only have two first cousins, and we've now lost three grandparents.  BUT, when we consider my dad and his cousins' families, we actually grew up with quite a large group.  I think about being a kid, playing with all of these other kids, who are technically my third cousins - an awesome childhood filled with memories with cool people.  We're scattered around the country now.  My grandma's maiden name was Adams.  And it all started with the woman holding me here, Grandma's mother, my Great Grandma Dot.

At night we watched actual filmstrip reels of silent video, taken in the 1950s and 60s of my dad, his two brothers, and their eight cousins.  They were a HUGE family growing up, and really focused on the meaning of family!  The parties they had for each grandchild's birthday, the huge Christmas feast, and the silly games  they played (apparently crazy amounts of "Button Button, Who's Got the Button?)  all showed me how close they really were.  They sat around a kids' table in fancy collared shirts and ties, and girlie, ruffled dresses.  They were a distinguished family, and very well-behaved children.  They paid close attention to celebrations, tradition, respect for family and bringing people together.  


Grandma had three brothers, and the two still living were there for the burial.  Each of her three brothers were also represented with a daughter present - each daughter being one of my dad's cousins.


We grew up spending entire summers in the 80s at Aldo, a lakehome affectionately named by blending my great grandpa and great grandma's first names together.  Here is Great Grandma Dot, Uncle Tom, my mom and me on the patio at Aldo.

This family, of course, was not just the Adams. We also pull in my Grandpa, the Wires side.  Here he is with my family of four.

Grandpa, Natalie and I were seriously best of friends. He always loved kids, but especially his only two granddaughters. Here you can see a classic of the three of us causing some sort of mischief or scheming a plan while sitting on his lap.

The most amazing part for me yesterday was to realize that this is where I come from.  These people - relatives who gathered from around the country presented mannerisms, made statements, and had habits that reminded me of why I am the way I am.  Both good and bad.  The filmstrip reels showed me things that have been passed down across generations.  The kids had assigned seats at birthday parties, and only put their party hats on when they were told to do so.  The cousins threw darts at a dart board, and focused SO INTENTLY on getting the bullseye.  They played games, had order and structure to the gathering.  They took turns.  They valued camaraderie.  They took things seriously.  They had fun, but in an orderly kind of way.  They taped the whole thing to preserve the memories for someone to enjoy 50 years later! And they laughed, a lot.

Not having Grandma or Grandpa there yesterday was sad.  I miss them more than I can explain.  But I take comfort in the fact that yesterday made me feel like I was part of this bigger, greater family again.  The Adams side of the family in particular was a solid part of my upbringing, and when Grandma died almost 10 years ago, some of that seemed to fizzle.  I dearly miss her, but I know she would have been so proud yesterday and she would have been just tickled that we were all getting together to celebrate her.  And seeing my grandma so happy would have been all my grandpa needed to think that yesterday was just perfect.

Driven to...

Autonomy. Mastery. Purpose.  Sounds so simple and obvious, right?  I recently read Daniel Pink’s latest book, Drive. (If you don't follow him on Twitter yet, you should @danielpink.) His words were refreshing and enlightening, and many ideas hit home, gave me new ways to think about motivating myself at work and being a better leader, and even motivated me to ensure that I lead a fulfilling career based on the things that I value, not merely the things that my company or boss values.  The ideas are pretty simple:

• Motivation 1.0 provides for basic survival skills
• Motivation 2.0 continues to play off animalistic instinct (this is how I train my dog), but
• Motivation 3.0 considers real human values, things that are seriously lacking in today’s workplace – things that will push us to be better employers and leaders into the 21^st century.

The book made me think about a couple key points of relevancy in my career.  First, as Boomers retire and we Millennials become more prominent in varying levels of leadership roles, autonomy will be apparent in the way they lead their teams.  Our generation craves autonomy, individuality and independence - I truly believe these are a part of our generational DNA.  Autonomy goes both ways between the leader and the team.  I couldn’t have imagined giving up my freedom as a leader or taking away theirs.  Leaders should be committed to guiding, coaching, being accountable and holding accountable, but ultimately for the end result, not the means. 

Next concept: mastery. The book talks about when we're in flow, and how we should find roles where we can achieve that sense of flow on a regular basis.  It's rewarding.  I think about when I'm tweaking a PowerPoint presentation, putting the finishing touches on an oil painting, or leading a team through a development exercise.  Pink would argue that if we’re masters of nothing, purely generalists, we may not achieve the level of mastery that we so crave.  Someone once told me that life is like a funnel, and with each decision, we move a bit closer to the bottom of the funnel, in that we’ve narrowed our options.  For example, my life choices have pretty much ruled out me ever being a doctor or musician.  If we do not encourage employees to continue to hone in on their strengths and what makes them tick, we may be missing an opportunity to create true masters in a variety of business domains, where today, generalists are trying to stay afloat through mediocrity instead of mastery.

Lastly, and perhaps most impactful, were my thoughts around the US healthcare system and how Pink’s third prong to Motivation 3.0, connectedness, could perhaps be a key to solving the US healthcare crisis.  This January, I had the pleasure of meeting a visionary man named Dr. Devi Shetty, a heart surgeon in Bangalore, India, who is trying to reform the cost of healthcare.  Dr. Shetty has been able to offer heart surgeries that cost thousands in the US for only $2,000 in India, by leveraging economies of scale (they don’t turn anyone away) and by paying the technicians – the heart surgeons – a competitive annual salary, instead of compensating per surgery. 

This idea will undoubtedly alarm many Americans who question if a change in compensation structure will detract high quality surgeons from the pressures of medical school.  Motivation 3.0 would argue that the compensation must be fair, even above average, but to then remove the issue of money off the table.  The real key to attracting strong healthcare workers would be to connect the work back to the bigger meaning, to ensure all individuals are given access to necessary healthcare.  If the focus is on achieving purpose, this model might even allow hospitals to admit everyone who needs treatment, which would again drive costs down (larger orders of medical devices).

As an online assessed Type I, I realize the internal struggle I go through when deciding where my career will go from here.  I’ve always cared about autonomy, mastery, and purpose, but I am also at times distracted by external rewards. I highly recommend Pink's book!  Also, if you're curious to know where you fall on the internal/external reward spectrum, go to http://www.danpink.com/drive-survey to take the survey! I think it'll be worth your 10 minutes of time. :)

A little help from some braces...

I'm back! After finishing up a rigorous 20 credits since September (that's a TON!) I'm here and I will be writing more.  I have lots of crazy thoughts in my head to write about!
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So I'm writing this with these things on my wrists. Braces that velcro to correct my wrist motion when typing.  These things are supposed to heal any early symptoms of carpal tunnel.  My wrists have been hurting lately, so I figured it was time to get it check out.  Good thing I did!

These braces make me think about a few things.  First, it's really hard to type!  I can't pound on the keyboard the way I normally do. I'm at a disadvantage when writing papers, as I have to be more deliberate about hitting the right keys.  Plus, I hit the wrong keys a lot more - so that means more mistakes to correct.  It's frustrating!

Also - after I got the braces I got my oil changed later that day.  I went into the car shop with the braces on, as I was going to do some work on my laptop while I waited for my car.  The doctor said to wear them full work days for a week, so I knew that also meant during my car appt.  As the guy checking me in handed me the piece of paper to sign, I felt like my braces were 3 times their size, and that he was staring at them.  I felt like they were the focal point of our interaction.  I felt embarrassed, like I had this extra thing showing that maybe I was broken.  He was really nice, and probably didn't think much of them, but it made me think a lot about the people who always have some physical add-on or sign that they are not well, or that they need permanent help with things we take for granted.  Hearing aids, prosthetic limbs, headgear, leg braces, walkers, wheelchairs.  These all become part of the person, a visible sign that something is not right.  Imperfection of some sort.  It was a great reminder of my health and that while I am working to improve part of me, that I cannot CANNOT take for granted the fact that I am well.  It also made me remember that from the inside, we all want the same thing - acceptance, compassion, to love and be loved.  A little brace, medical aid, or distracting imperfection doesn't change that.  Can we just treat people as people, without showing signs of pity on our face or getting freaked out by something that's different from us?  It's definitely something I will focus more on, and something we should all aspire to do a bit more often.

Reality TV

"The lack of reality on this show is mindblowing."

                                                        -Jake

So I get it.  Not everyone has to like everything. Not everyone has to enjoy reality TV, or choose to partake in conversations around the work lunch table about why Brad picked Emily, if Speidi will last past The Hills, or how they feel the hideously fierce outfit Christian Siriano designed on last week's Project Runway.  But this is a part of our culture today, whether we like it or not.  

We've always been watching drama and comedy on TV - as a kid, I watched shows like Saved by the Bell, Full House, and the first Beverly Hills, 90210.  Even before my day, shows like M.A.S.H., The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family let us experience someone else's life for a little while.  Isn't that the point of television anyways - to escape?  

So why are some people SO judgmental when it comes to reality TV?  I mean I get it, I haven't enjoyed every show, I will NOT be caught dead watching Jersey Shore or any of The Real Housewives of (fill in the blank).  But these shows are just another form of escape, of entertainment.  I don't honestly think we as a society can pretend we're above it.  I think where we maybe get tripped up is the word "reality" - do people actually think that's what it is?  I mean sure, it may not be scripted, but falling in love around the world in a competition with 24 other women is NOT reality.  I don't try to pretend it is.  But does that mean we can't still enjoy ourselves and the entertainment it brings?  Maybe I'm off base, but I think it's a bit pretentious for anyone to think they're too good for reality tv, but they can watch shows like The Office and Outsourced and still achieve the same goal of being entertained.  I mean really, let's not take ourselves or what we watch on tv too seriously.  What do YOU think?

Friends Like These

My college education was roughly $100,000.  It really does sound ridiculous.  I can't believe how much college costs these days, and how much it will cost in the future (when I one day send kids to school).  Some people may ask, is it worth it?  


The school was awesome - I wouldn't have changed a thing. But the truly priceless part - the reason I'm HAPPY to send in my student loan payments - is because of the kickass network I built while at GAC. My realtor, my mortgage consultant's brother, my sister's connection to her PR job, the pastor who married Jake and me... these are all Gusties.  But even more than the connections are the invaluable, truer than true, lifelong FRIENDS.


A couple weeks ago, six of us went on a winter girls' weekend in the middle of Wisconsin.  Yes, to a town called Winter!  It was just one of those weekends where we decided to relax together, cook together, sleep in, stay up late, play games, and giggle.  Here are some shots from our walk through the area we stayed:

In this last pic, we are being quite silly.  YES, we know it.  We started a book club on the trip, and our first book discussion was about The Hunger Games.  This book is awesome.  I absolutely loved it!  (If you want a quick read with some good life meaning and teenage excitement, check it out.)  Here we are being Katniss, the expert archer. What am I aiming at anyways?  And do you see Callie on my shoulder?!  Priceless.

This pure silliness is why we're friends.  We've been friends for over 10 years now - and it's almost like we're family.  We've spent so much time laughing together, crying together, and being there for each others' most important, most memorable moments throughout our 20s.  And I know we'll be here to experience the 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond together.  I KNOW these girls are here for life.  And THAT is priceless.