Sesame Seed to Lentil, to Blueberry, Kidney Bean, and Grape.

Written August 11


This last month + has been a whirlwind.  Not only has this baby grown from a poppy seed at 4 weeks to a green grape at 9 weeks tomorrow, I've noticed changes in my eating, senses, stomach, and emotions that continually remind me that my body is not my own anymore.  I am growing something - sharing it with a tiny little being that is completely human, a concept I still have yet to fully comprehend.

Although the pregnancy is still a secret, we use "secret" lightly.  As someone said, it's more that it's just not broadcast.  We have told plenty of family and friends, but these are people who we would want around us for support in case something did go wrong.  Next week on Tuesday we get to have our first doctor's appt, which will really help me start to move from the scientific ("What is developing now?") to the emotional ("What is the baby feeling? Sensing? What will he/she be like?") as I feel more comfortable that this tiny little being will one day be resting in my arms.

It's fun each week because Crystal takes pictures of me with the food item that the baby most closely resembles. I've never paid so close attention to the vast size difference between each of these items!  Next week we go from green grape to kumquat. THAT is huge.  Each week is huge! No wonder I'm feeling nauseous and exhausted most of the time!  She also takes pictures of my profile and my belly straight on. We were looking at YouTube videos that depict a pregnancy time lapse of the mama and her belly.  This one is my favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wFsFtHhMAE  I'm hopeful we'll be able to make something like this too!

It's also been fun to share pregnancy stories with other friends who have been recently pregnant or are pregnant - we are certainly at that age!  Books give me so much great information about what's happening each week, and I even have a book from my mom called The Pregnancy Journal which tells what is happening each DAY!  For example, today the baby's arms, which are fully developed in proportion to the body and even bend at the elbows, are no longer than this printed 1.  What?!? Isn't that the most insane thing you've ever heard?!  Also, today the baby weighs the same as 1/5 teaspoon of water. !!!

More to come soon I'm sure, but for now, I'm just happy, feeling healthy, trying to stay calm, and enjoying the days, even though each day feels like molasses.  When I think I'm only 9 weeks pregnant, I think, "That's not very much!" But then I subtract 9 from 40, and think to myself, "OMG! I am going to have a BABY here in 31 weeks! That's nothing at all!!!" So I am trying my best to enjoy each waking and sleeping moment as we prepare for this little one.

That Home on the Hill

Earth Jam - velcro wall with Seth

 Part of our softball team, The Swingers. Tai, Betsy, Me, Jake

 Jake in our dorms trying on my clothes

 "Family Breakfast Table" - our awesome group of friends at the GAC sign

 Homecoming queen nominees, Crystal and me, with Paul, the king

 Senior year party - Bert and Ernie, Pebbles and Bam Bam

 J term after guitar practice with JZ at our house on Elm

It's completely inevitable this time of year.  I don't even try to pretend anymore.  My heart aches, as I feel the cool fall breezes coming in.  I see school buses practicing their routes and college football on TV.  At Target, kids choose colored pens and notebooks, and recent high school grads excitedly load up on shower caddies, clothes hampers, ramen, and flashy decor for their dorm rooms.  

The Thursday before Labor Day, I am fully reminded of the years I moved in to campus to prepare for the incoming freshmen, who would arrive on Saturday.  For the Gustavus Class of 2015, that's today.  In about 6 hours, station wagons and SUVs will line up on College Avenue, and a new round of Gustie freshmen will move old couches, hand-me-down televisions, flashy new microwaves, and large Rubbermaid tubs into campus.  Most likely, they will either turn left at the sign (to Pittman) or right (to Coed).  11 years ago, my family drove both station wagons down, and we turned right.

My college roommate Tai called me today and left me a voicemail, after she had read on Facebook about people getting ready for the big move back to St. Peter.  She wanted to remind me of the day and how it's now been 11 years since we anxiously said goodbye to our families to enter this completely new world - a world that will forever be listed in my book as nothing short of spectacular.  

I remember some little details, like my parents hugging me goodbye in the parking lot, my dad putting his sunglasses on so I wouldn't see his tears.  He hugged me and he said, "I'm really proud of you, take care of yourself."  I moved in with Beth Boser, an only child from Plymouth who lived with her mom and immediately exuded more confidence than I was feeling.  I remember my Gustie Greeter, Cambria Halgren, who led us through orientation.  We started class the following Wednesday, the day I only had Macroeconomics with Henry Hays.  The other four days I had First Term Seminar, Spanish, and Calculus.  I remember feeling it was nice to ease my way in on a Wednesday.

The next years, I moved to St. Peter early to prepare for orientation, as I became a Gustie Greeter and helped make move-in day special for the incoming freshmen.  I was also involved in a gajillion other activites, and every one of them helped shape who I am now.  Gustavus for me was not just school - it was a way of life.  The pictures I share here are a snippet of the random adventures we had and the amazing people I got to share them with.  

I still have a recurring dream that it's senior year and I only have a few months, and I'm scrambling to make the best of them.  And when I think of autumn leaves and a river valley, I think of meeting Emily Kofoed on that bench by Old Main every single time.  

Part of the excitement of getting ready for this baby is thinking about experiencing life again through his or her eyes.  Jake and I have been watching Glee, and parts make me nostalgic about my old high school days.  In the not so distant future, I will get to experience running around on the playground, hopscotch, jumprope, tee ball, slip-n-slides, Red Rover, Field Day, and H.O.R.S.E. in the eyes and smiles of my child.  And when I drive him or her to college in about 19 years, my heart will ache, but in a different way.  I will also be oozing with joy for the experience upon which they are about to embark.

And baby makes three. (or four, if you count Callie)

Written July 10th


So I can't share this with you for a couple months, but I wanted to write it now while things are brand new.  This is the craziest thing that has happened to me in awhile, if not EVER!  A baby?!  Jake and I started talking about having a family mid last year, and while we are completely prepared, I remember saying that I just can't imagine what it will be like when the news actually comes.

Just this Tuesday, July 5, Jake and I were out at the dog park with Callie.  We came home and Jake ran back out to get gas for the lawn mower.  While he was out, I reached for a pregnancy test - something that had become more common in recent times.  I just had a hunch - and when that horizontal line that I had come to know so well all of a sudden had a faint vertical line appearing on top of it, creating a positive sign, my heart skipped a few beats.  I stared at it, then paced around the house. I clasped my hands.  I talked to Callie out loud, telling her I think our family was expanding.

Jake got home shortly thereafter, saying he was going to mow the lawn.  I asked him to come inside and showed him the test.  He looked at me like, "What does this mean??" I told him I thought it was positive, as in the numerous tests I had taken to date, I hadn't ever seen a faint vertical line.  He said, "Well, I'm going to Walgreens to get more!" and hopped back in the car.

He showed up back home with a 4-pack for good measure.  I took one more test that night, then even a third the next night, just to confirm. Neither of us slept much that Tuesday night, and I went to work in a daze on Wednesday.  I ran over to Crystal's house to tell her midday on Wednesday - I thought she might be home since she has the summers off from teaching.  Her response? "Here, sit down and have some homemade sorbetta! It'll be good for the baby."

Thursday was the appointment with Dr. Toll, who I was excited for Jake to meet.  I love her and wish she could be with me through this process, but she is not an OB so now we're searching for the right clinic for the baby.  She confirmed it, and as of now, the due date is March 16! A spring baby, a St. Patty's day baby, or from the Bible, think of John 3:16. These things all come into my mind immediately.

Friday night we told our parents, which was beyond exciting for us.  All four parents and two sisters were thrilled, and we now will have our very own little baby in the Wires/Matthies families for the first time.  I even think Callie can tell, as she just spent the last 30 minutes sprawled out on my tummy, as if to care for and protect it. She has never laid like this before, and literally just hopped up there and laid down!

So the poppy seed is in the process of transitioning into a sesame seed right now, and we're beyond excited for every step along the way.  The embryonic period has started which my app tells me is "the most dramatic and vulnerable period of development." The placenta begins to function this week, and the baby already has an amniotic sac and amniotic fluid.  STRANGE.

How am I feeling? Hopeful. A bit overwhelmed. Cautious in what I'm doing, how quickly I'm preparing for things, as I try to let it all sink in. Happy to have such amazing family and friends to share the news with (both at this secret time and in the weeks to come).

GET EXCITED for the journey ahead!!!  I know we are. :)

Team Rainbow

I started writing this the weekend of Twin Cities Pride, when I was able to get out there and celebrate something much bigger than myself.  Equality among all types of sexual orientation.  Equality among people.  One thing I have found interesting is how much intensity I've observed in pro/anti GLBT discussions and beliefs over the past few years. Maybe I've just paid closer attention, or maybe it truly means we're getting somewhere here.

I have this quote on my Facebook profile, and I just think it rings so truly, that I have to post it here, too. 

"Here's what I don't understand: Is there so much love and commitment in the world that we can afford, as a society, to be contemptuous of some part of it?" -Anna Quindlen in Newsweek, in reference to the opposition to gay marriage

Now that I think about it, I may have posted this on a previous blog post. That's okay - I think it's important enough to hear a couple times.  Last time I was referring to sappy relationships, this time it's important to think about same-sex relationships, or other relationships for that matter, that scare you just because it's not familiar to you.  Relationships that seem awkward because they're not what you're used to.  It's okay to feel awkward.  It's just not okay to judge that the relationship is inferior to the ones you've experienced.

I think back to junior high, when I made friends with this smart SMART boy named Greg.  Greg and I were in a lot of classes together - Algebra, English, Science, History.  We were the smart kids, we knew it.  We formed a coalition very early on.  We'd take pride in our work.  In high school we were in a joint Enriched English/History block class, where we made films about Sacagawea and read The Grapes of Wrath.  Senior year, Greg and I went to prom together.  (If I look back at journals from sophomore and junior year, there were times when I felt heartbroken by Greg as well).  We all knew Greg was going to do amazing things in the world, so when he would return home from becoming that world-renowned pianist we knew he was, I'd get to hear stories of New York City and his crazy life.  And I vividly remember the day he told me he was gay.  He said it, and I was like "Okay, that's great.  No big deal."  He was still just my Greg - the smart boy I'd been friends with for over a decade.

To this day, I have some extremely close gay friends, and in my mind, there isn't even necessity for a label.  They're just Greg. Carl. Trace. Ryan. Mark. People with amazingly big personalities and even bigger hearts.  

Soar With Your Strengths

So it was inevitable. I knew sometime I would write about this. It's something I so strongly and whole-heartedly believe in that I just can't not write about it!

A couple years ago, I learned about StrengthsFinder and the book "Now Discover Your Strengths" by Marcus Buckingham, Tom Rath, and The Gallup Organization. At first I thought this might be a standard business book, but soon learned it was nothing of the sort.  StrengthsFinder is a MOVEMENT.  It's all about being the best YOU you can be, by realizing your strengths and using them to your advantage.

I recently read an article about Sheryl Sandberg, the COO at Facebook (former executive at Google).  People like this are strong, and they're not strong because they work on their weaknesses.  They're strong because they push them to the side, face forward, as she says, "lean in," and take risks.  They use their strengths because they know that's what will get them to tomorrow.

The book breaks strengths into 34 themes - themes they've identified that are common threads in the most successful people they've interviewed.  You can take the test when you buy the book (StrengthsFinder 2.0 is the latest version) and learn which are your top 5.  I've taken the test twice, with very different focuses, and came out with the same top 5 for each (slightly different order). My top strength* was the same both times.

• Maximizer*
• Competition
• Strategic
• Futuristic
• Activator

Because there are 34 themes, it's very unlikely you'll encounter someone with your exact same top 5.  This also has its advantages.  YOU get to bring your strengths combination to the table - no one else has what you do.  When I read more about these 5 - and there's plenty of literature out there to tell you about them - I notice how closely they hit home.  These things are within me, engrained in me. It'd be impossible to avoid them, or even try to tone them down if I wanted to.  

However, there are themes on the list such as Harmony, Context, and Discipline that will never ring true for me.  I can try to make them a part of my day, but when I have great people around me who bring these also great themes, why should I focus my efforts there?  Instead, I should be the best Maximizer I can be (redundant, right?) I should combine by Futurstic (looking over the mountain) with my Strategic (seeing around the mountain) to solve problems in the best way possible.  THIS is where I will focus my efforts, forever. I can pretty much promise you this.

Those of you who have taken StrengthsFinder - what are your top 5? I'd love to hear about them.  Do they ring true for you? What have you learned about yourself by doing this exercise and reading the books? I hope you've taken away as much as I have.  I honestly think if we all do this, we'll just be able to work even more effectively to make the world a better place.

The Language of Love

My friend Whitney first introduced me to the Five Love Languages.  I'm not sure if you've read this book, but if you haven't, you can check it out here. (you can even take the quiz on the site to learn how you show love and like to be loved in a variety of relationships, including romantic, friendships, parent/child, etc).

I think it is insightful to consider the way we love and the way we want to receive love, as sometimes they are not the same.  Have you ever had that down day when you feel like you're off beat, and experiencing things a bit more alone than usual?  Admit it, we all have those days.  Many times I've talked to friends whose day could have been better just by feeling more connected to others, just by feeling that self worth.

What I've realized is this: it's important to make sure you're recognizing the things around you that ooze love, things you might not even notice.  These are things that are outside of your love language(s) that don't resonate with you in the same way they might with others.

Did a friend do a favor for you without even asking? Did someone tell you how great you look? Did your spouse or family member call just to say hello? Were you able to spend time with someone not doing much of anything, just enjoying one another's company?

Last week on the radio - (yes, The Dave Ryan Show) - there was a Group Therapy bit, which is a weekly session where someone calls in with an issue and then other callers weigh in on the matter.  The woman said she does not feel "in love" with her husband and that she is only 30, so she's wondering if she should leave him.  It made me think about all of the different aspects of love and while yes, you need the passionate kind, I felt like she was overly focused on what she considers romantic love during the call.  While I do not know her situation at all, I think it's important to recognize every language of love and the role they play in one's life.  I try to, and I hope you do too! When we think about all the various types of love, I think we tend to feel better about ourselves, and about the great people around us.

Table for One

I'm sitting at a small cafe in Nashville at the airport, as my flight was delayed. Yes, I'm still wearing my cowboy hat! Last night was awesome and I can't wait to tell you more. For now, its time to enjoy a new read I discovered called The Carrie Diaries, which tells the story of Carrie Bradshaw before NYC. And a coffee.

Love spending down time like this! The delay shouldn't be more than 90 minutes so I'm just going with the flow...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

2 Wolves

This one won't be long, but  I wanted to share an idea I heard not that long ago. I think it's great life perspective. If you've heard this before, you'll probably realize I don't retell it quite in the same way (for having a good memory, I get idioms wrong all the time).

Think of your life as being led by two wolves.  One wolf is good and the other is evil.  They are both pulling at you, trying to determine your future.  The big question: which wolf will win?  The answer: It completely depends on which wolf you feed. 

Do you feed the negative things in your life? Do you surround yourself with negativity, gossip, backstabbing, inauthenticity, greed, selfishness?  Or do you surpass all of these things and surround yourself with exactly what you want your life to be?  It's easy to get sucked in.  When I encounter hundreds of different people each week, it's easy to lose focus and follow the crowd.  But I'm finding that as I get older, feel comfortable with just me, that I have much less tolerance for the negative.  If you're finding yourself stuck in a rut, wallowing in your sorrows, facing a lot of negativity lately, think about the wolves. Are you doing everything you can to feed the good wolf? 

The Roles We Play

Whitney's the dreamer, the fun-loving baby of the group. Emily's the sweet and compassionate one - the teacher, extremely patient and great with children. Libby's the All-American athlete with the big heart, who goes with the flow and smiles her way through life.  (She also brings a lot of smiles to every life around her.)  Amanda had to grow up way too fast. She's the strong one, mature beyond her years, the one who moved away to leave a past behind her, the English major who thinks deeply, protects her heart, but treats those who she lets into her life like gold.

I'm not sure what that makes me.  If I had to say, I'd call myself the sentimental one, the keeper of memories and nostalgia, who keeps us organized and also expects deep conversation about things that matter.

Close friends are not all alike. I see this play out time and time again in my life, as often the people we click with most are able to bring something new and different from what we already know.  They challenge us, bring perspective, and help shape who we are.

This weekend completely reinforced all of this.  Spending time with Emily, Whitney, Libby and Amanda has always been awesome - but what I realized this weekend was how cool it is that we all come from different worlds - different ages, friend groups, personalities, and even general lifestyles, yet the great game of golf brought us together 13 years ago and since then, things have never been the same.

And here's the best realization from this weekend.  When I hang out with these girls, I find myself wanting to be more like each one of them.  I want to incorporate their best traits into who I am.  This happens with friends - as we can see Whitney growing up and successfully projecting into her career, Emily borrowing a chapter from Amanda's book of strength, and me trying to mellow out a bit and be more carefree like Libby.  I truly believe the roles we play are shaped by those around us, and if you're able to surround yourself with amazing people, I'm 99% confident life is going to be okay.

30 hours in the car plus another 52 hours in State College gave me this amazing outlook on the upcoming summer.  As my friend Crystal pointed out, yes, I am generally optimistic, but right now I feel so much positive energy and excitement about what's to come.  I'm sure subsequent entries will cover more of these thoughts in detail, but when I think about this weekend and what it meant to me, this is what I take away:

• Close friends are not all alike. Appreciate the differences; they are beyond valuable.
• As James Taylor says, "Shower the people you love with love; show them the way that you feel." We're pretty good at this, but it's great to ask yourself if you could be doing this any better.
• Be present in the moment. It's easy to get distracted by technology, obligations, buzz, gossip, swirling energy of all kinds, but TRY to be present in the situation. (Yes, with my short attention span I will be working on this one for awhile).
• Find balance in life. Don't try to cram in too much - take each day as it comes. Because of the surprise, we literally had nothing planned for the weekend, but once we arrived at Amanda's, it all fell into perfect place.
• Be the best YOU you can be. There's no better way to be.

As Whit said on the car ride home, "I think we rock."  That's because we each play our role, but borrow from one another when necessary.  We teach each other, bring out the best in each other, and as corny as it sounds, love each other for exactly WHO WE ARE.

(PS You'll hear more details about what we did on the trip, but for now we'll go with extreme reflection, and hopefully a bit of inspiration along the way.  In the meantime, if you want to see what we've already written, check out our blog about our road trip to State College, Pennsylvania that we hope to continue updating over the years.)

Easter - A Month (or more) Late

Okay, so I'm going to go there. Religion, that inevitably tough topic. Why is it that beliefs about where we come from and where we're going build tension between people in such profound ways? Jake believes that organized religion is the root of all conflict.  I believe he is onto something, but this makes me sad. I was raised a religious, spiritual person, and I grew up with it having a very obvious place in my life.  Often now I find myself thinking about the role I want religion to play in my adult life, my marriage and my family.

Every now and then, I feel this amazing burst of passion for Christianity, and more specifically the Lutheran Church. Unfortunately, sometimes things happen that make me feel less ecstatic about the Church.  This Easter was a great example of the positive feeling I have for spirituality, Christianity, being a Lutheran.  Easter often gives me this kind of energy.  

Growing up, I was more excited for Easter over any other service, mainly because of the music. A brass quartet. A processional with bells and swirling streamers.  And a couple of key songs to start and end the service. The processional was always "Jesus Christ is Risen Today", and the recessional of choice: "Now Let the Vault of Heaven Resound" - these are songs I grew up listening to at church, making me feel refreshed, springy, free, happy.  Springy, free, happy. Sometimes I say spring is my favorite (other times I say it's summer). Growing up, spring meant golf season, finishing class for the year, summer break.  Now it means planting a garden, walking to my car outside, avoiding the skyways, wearing shoes without socks. Sandals instead of Uggs. These are all freeing activities!

Pastor Dan Poffenberger (who married us) talked a lot about freedom in the Easter sermon, and I was so moved that I found myself writing down his key phrases.  First, check out these tulips (from the Chanhassen Arb) that ooze spring.

Pastor Dan's key phrases were all related to freedom. He often injects positivity that at times, is not prevalent in a church setting. His positivity and outlook on Christianity are always refreshing, rewarding and help keep me grounded in what it means to live spiritually. These were the nuggets I took from this Easter, which after 20+ years of Trinity Easter, I actually believe was one of the best. 

Easter brings a sense of renewal, of freedom.  Freedom in this sense gives us an abundance of amazing thoughts about what our lives can be -

• We are free to offer compassion when the world tells you not to. (This is HUGE for me.  I see a lack of compassion far too often, and I will continue to strive for better.)
• We are free from -isms and putting people into boxes (another huge one, as we focus on less judgment, and one of my favorite key phrases: ASSUME POSITIVE INTENT! **This concept works in almost every aspect of life.)
• We are free to feel joy, love, hope - key components to a healthy, happy life.
• We feel free to remove the stone from our hearts - seriously, stop the cynicism, the judgment, the negativity towards those who are different in big and small ways.
• Christians should have this sense of equanimity - I thought this was an interesting word choice because when I looked up the word, it's about composure, calmness, and poise. At times I think calmness, inner peace is lacking for Christians, partially because we just overthink things.  Equanimity must be where it's at.

We are free to dream. FREE to dream up the best, most amazing lives possible, to achieve everything we can think of, to be the best possible version of ourselves. Idealist? Sure I am. But would I rather be anything else? Not at all. We all have our up and down days, but it's moments like that Easter service, when Dan was reminding me of how to focus on the most fulfilling life possible, that I truly felt grounded. I do hope you are able to experience these moments of peace, freedom, rebirth, and that this spring (and summer!) send a million moments of positivity your way. :)