The Real Me

I've been on maternity leave now for 8 weeks. Exactly 8 weeks ago right now, I was sleeping, experiencing my last pre-mommy night. Waking up in 6 short hours from labor pains, ready to change the world.

To say that I've enjoyed my leave is an understatement. I still have 1 month - exactly 1 month until I return to work. The thought is scary, and sometimes I have to ask myself why. 

It's not the work really at all - I like to be busy. I enjoy the nature of my work, the interaction, the keeping up on emails, project deadlines, stretching my mind and my skill set, and the constant collaboration. If someone were to ask you to finish this sentence, how would you finish it? "When I am at work, I feel ________" (insert your most negative word here). My word is misunderstood. I honestly feel like the contradiction between who I am and who people perceive me to be at work is too large. Somehow I need to change that. I am a go-getter; some might say hard-ass, ball-buster, type A, anal, uptight, determined, controlling, ladder climbing professional. These things have positive aspects, but the connotations bring out other words I've heard like condescending, intimidating, aggressive. Words that I don't really want to be associate with. At all. 

While on leave, I've been in full mommy mode. I've been able to experience emotions in completely new ways. I've slowed down and had moments with my daughter that completely contradict the feelings above. I've attended Bring Your Own Baby Yoga class, where everything imperfect happens and we are supportive nonetheless. I have been in ECFE classes with other moms who are truly non-judgmental, providing ideas and support in ways that are scarce in the workplace. I've emphasized appreciation on the littler things, like smiles, coos, leg kicks, and tummy time. My daughter lifts her head at 45 degrees! THAT is an accomplishment! 

When I go back, I will be transitioning from professional woman to professional mom. Not the that the two are mutually exclusive, but I will be making some changes in how I interact and approach my work. I VOW to do the following (and will revisit this many times to remind myself if necessary):

• Have more compassion. Find the positive traits in others and help emphasize and advertise them through my work.
• Exercise grace - give others the benefit of the doubt in situations that go differently than planned
• Be consistent. Stand up for what I believe in, even if it is unpopular. How else will we ever change things that need changing?
• Drown out the busy noise
• Take time to immerse myself in my work; and
• Take time to breathe.

It's easy to get caught up in that fast-paced world out there, but as my boss told me when I shared with him that I was pregnant, "Becoming a mom will only make you a better leader." I will remember these things and really hope that he's right.